Seasons Change and Lessons Learned
For almost a decade, my life has been defined by one tragic event; an event that truly broke me in ways that I could never truly describe. The death of a spouse is beyond heartbreaking for the surviving spouse, as everything in your life irreparably changes overnight. For years you did everything as a couple, you have a group of “couple” friends, but all of a sudden you are no longer a part of a couple and suddenly, you no longer fit, anywhere. Take that same loss, add a military aspect to it, and you’ve not only lost your spouse, your friend group, but also your very way of life. The loss of a spouse, in many ways, is like an amputation. Separating from military life after the loss of said spouse is like a double amputation. Everything you have known comes to a crashing end. The worst blow to my heart was that this horrible death was death by suicide. It was by choice, not chance, and it killed me. Only those who have lost a spouse to suicide will ever truly understand the depths of this loss. I was left with only questions, no answers. I’ve spent countless hours examining every moment, every interaction, every argument. I’ve wondered how I could have missed the signs. Were there signs? Could I have done something differently? Could anything have made a difference? I’ve lived with the pain of blame from family members and I’ve watched my sweet girl not only grow up without her daddy but without the familial ties that could have helped heal and bridge the gap that was created by his loss. During that same time, I lost both my dad 8 months before Greg and then my mom just 10 months after. For eighteen months, we lived a life of complete devastation. For far too long, I have been defined by tragedy and loss. My summer began with dread as it usually does. As Memorial Day approached, it was yet just another reminder of loss. I could feel myself sinking deeper into the annual “summer of despair” that I have cursed myself with for a decade. I had allowed my life and my heart to be lead by pain and loss, hurt and betrayal, resentment, and brokenness.
For a very long time, I believed that this was just the way it would be for the rest of my life. I’ve had wonderful friends over the years who have worked hard to bring me back to Jesus and remind of not only who I was, but who I belonged to. I’ve clung to that hope, but realize now that I never truly embraced that truth, nor have I been able to truly forgive and let go. For years, thorn after thorn has pierced my heart, causing oozing, gaping wounds. Those kinds of wounds run deep and are often too hard to deal with, so we put temporary band-aids over them instead of mustering up the courage to face the pain, remove the thorn, clean out the wound and finally let it heal. Sometimes I think my heart must look like an oozing porcupine covered in band-aids to God. Yet, He has loved me and held me through it all. I’ve always known that God was here. He’s reached down to me countless times, urging me to let go of the pain and lay it down at the cross…. but somehow I felt it was mine alone to carry. He’s blessed me all these years with people strategically placed along the way so that I’d never walk alone. It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve been able to look back and truly see all the help He’s surrounded me with all along. Why is it so hard for us to see sometimes? God has also blessed me with friends who were willing to step out in faith to speak truth into my life. Truth is NOT always easy to hear, but hear it we must if we ever hope to heal. I’ve been hearing the same message over and over for a long, long time, but it has only been recently that that message has found its way into the depths of my heart. The Enemy looks for ways to separate us from God, and un-forgiveness is one of his greatest tools. He uses un-forgiveness to help those wounds fester and seep, causing our pain to be constant and unrelenting. For a while, we may feel as if we’ve healed and let go, but it’s a lie. Because our wounds have never been tended to properly, the slightest hurt, ill word or uncomfortable situation just rips open a seeping band-aid. An unforgiving heart is one that never heals.
For the last two years, I have been blessed with the most amazing best friend. This friend has stuck with me through thick and thin. She loves and encourages me through my deepest darkest days of depression and constantly reminds me just WHO it is I belong to! She speaks hard truths, in the most gentle ways. I’ve spent a few years now thinking I really HAD let my heart forgive, but these years have been a lie. I had only forgiven on the surface… it was only lip service. My mind had said it was time to let go, but my heart was telling a very different story. She’s persisted with reminding me what forgiveness really looks like. She has reminded me that un-forgiveness is not honoring to God in any way. This summer I have begun to feel convicted like I’ve never felt before. God has been calling me to repentance and forgiveness because He knows that I’ll never heal or be whole again if I continue to have an unforgiving heart. The question my heart continues to ask is: “Can I ever expect to have Eternal security if I am not willing to be obedient to Christ in the forgiveness of others?” If Jesus was willing to stand in the gap for me and take my sin upon Him so that I could have eternal life, what right do I have to not forgive? Jesus says to forgive seventy times seven. That’s a lot of forgiveness. I think He included that story just for me. Change absolutely needs to happen, and it has to begin with me.
It’s funny, that no matter how far I try to run from myself, and God, He just keeps surrounding me. He’s good that way. Not only has he blessed me with a friend who continues to speak truth into my heart, He also saw fit to bring some amazing new friends into my life this summer. Military widows are a breed all their own. It’s a sisterhood that none of us ever expected to be a part of, but at the same time, we’re so thankful for. A couple weeks ago Rory and I had the blessing of attending a really neat College Experience created by TAPS. We had never participated in a TAPS event, so we did not know what to expect. I one thing I do know, I never expected to meet these amazing women that I truly believe will be life-long friends. God spoke to me that week, and in the days since, through them. He has been speaking truths to me that I never realized my heart so desperately needed to hear. What were some of these truths? IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! Yep, I hadn’t realized that I had been holding onto that little nugget for ten years. It took one sweet widow friend, looking me directly in the eye and saying: “You KNOW it’s NOT your fault, right?” In ten years, no one had ever spoken those words to me. I believe God was in the fire that night, but I could never fully let go of the pain and guilt I felt, even though that guilt was never mine. It’s funny how the Enemy so craftily uses our pain against us.
Another sweet widow friend has gently been helping me to see that so much of my outward love for others is only on the surface. I tend to see things through the lens of my own eyes instead of through the empathy of God’s. He sees things so much differently than we do. I had the opportunity to really reach out and serve someone yesterday and I turned away because all I could think about was how much it would complicate my own life instead of what God could do for her through me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my heart was later crushed with conviction. I had to repent to Rory for my behavior because she wanted to give her a card with our number and I said no. Later, all I could think about was how I’ve been wanting so badly to work in a field that would allow me to help others, and here God gave me the perfect opportunity to practice being His hands and feet and I walked away. Please, God, forgive me for letting you down.
I’ve been encouraged the past couple months to go back to school and earn my Master’s Degree. I’ve lived in doubt for a while thinking I was just didn’t have it in me to go further in my education, but God has literally provided the way. I’ve learned that Fear is the biggest LIAR of them all! I’ve let Fear have a home in my thoughts for a very long time. What a fool I am. I’ve let sadness and pain define me. I’ve been a terrible example to my sweet girl on how to truly TRUST IN GOD, how to Forgive and how to Love others no matter what! I’ve learned Fear also fuels the fear in others. It will only be through my own trust and courage to move forward without fear that I can encourage my girl to do the same.
Rainy days are usually movie days at our house. We watched Moana for probably the 20th time today, but it moved me in a way that I never would have thought possible. As I watched one of the last scenes, I was struck down to my very soul. It has reminded me of who I truly am, a child of the King. NONE of this was ever meant to define me. I chose to let it. Adversity will come in life! Pain, tragedy, and loss can break us, or be used to make us stronger, to mold us into the people we were truly meant to be. Near the end of the movie, Moana faces Te Fiti who’s heart was taken by Maui. She sings:
“I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are.”
Te Fiti had lost her heart, it broke her in ways no one ever expected. She spent years defined by what she had lost. Moana had to remind her that this was not who she was, she was not defined by loss, deep down she knew who she was. This is a pivotal truth that God has been trying to teach me for so long, but I’ve been too broken and stubborn to listen. Watching this scene today changed my heart as I could hear God’s words echoing in her song. God himself was singing these words over me: “I would cross ANY distance to find you, I have ALWAYS known YOUR name, your heart may be broken, but this is NOT who you are, I KNOW who you are, YOU are MINE! I am shaping those broken pieced into a beautiful new heart. A mosaic of growth and healing of love and friendship, ever crack filled with my mercy and grace.” Wow…. If we would only be Still and listen more often!
Our greatest healing happens when we truly forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t free the other person from the hurt they’ve caused you, but it does completely free YOU from the weight of the chains that bound you to that person and the pain they caused. Without those chains, we are literally free to move forward without their weight. That is a HUGE load lifted!! Jesus says: “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you peace.” I’ve read that verse countless times over the years. I’ve recited it to friends to encourage them to lay their burdens down. It’s funny, now that I think of it because I’ve spent the last ten years going back and picking up that same burden over and over again. You’d think I would have learned by now, right?? I’m so thankful for a God who SEES me, Shakes His Head at me, yet SEEKS me anyway! What a wonderful Father He is!
So, where do I go from here? I forgive, I let go and I begin to truly LIVE, for the first time in ten years. I trust that God has a plan for this next season of my life and I just START! Taking the first steps are key! I will stop dragging my feet and Apply to Liberty for my Master’s program! Finish my application and videos for VIPKIDS so I can have income to help Rory and I as we follow our new dreams! I will trust in God’s perfect plan for us and His provision and providence over our lives in this next season. God is good all the time. He has proven this to us over and over. It’s good to be here, in this moment, with a new heart. Living in the past isn’t living. Holding onto pain keeps you looking back and when you’re looking back, you miss out on all the great things that are right in front of you. I cannot go back and change anything, but I CAN start right here and create a brand new end!!
Here’s to my brand new end!
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