New Seasons and Lessons Learned

Seasons Change and Lessons Learned

For almost a decade, my life has been defined by one tragic event; an event that truly broke me in ways that I could never truly describe.  The death of a spouse is beyond heartbreaking for the surviving spouse, as everything in your life irreparably changes overnight.  For years you did everything as a couple, you have a group of “couple” friends, but all of a sudden you are no longer a part of a couple and suddenly, you no longer fit, anywhere.  Take that same loss, add a military aspect to it, and you’ve not only lost your spouse, your friend group, but also your very way of life.  The loss of a  spouse, in many ways, is like an amputation.  Separating from military life after the loss of said spouse is like a double amputation.  Everything you have known comes to a crashing end.  The worst blow to my heart was that this horrible death was death by suicide.  It was by choice, not chance, and it killed me.  Only those who have lost a spouse to suicide will ever truly understand the depths of this loss.  I was left with only questions, no answers. I’ve spent countless hours examining every moment, every interaction, every argument.  I’ve wondered how I could have missed the signs.  Were there signs?  Could I have done something differently?  Could anything have made a difference?  I’ve lived with the pain of blame from family members and I’ve watched my sweet girl not only grow up without her daddy but without the familial ties that could have helped heal and bridge the gap that was created by his loss.  During that same time, I lost both my dad 8 months before Greg and then my mom just 10 months after. For eighteen months, we lived a life of complete devastation. For far too long, I have been defined by tragedy and loss.  My summer began with dread as it usually does.  As Memorial Day approached, it was yet just another reminder of loss.  I could feel myself sinking deeper into the annual “summer of despair” that I have cursed myself with for a decade.  I had allowed my life and my heart to be lead by pain and loss, hurt and betrayal, resentment, and brokenness.  

For a very long time, I believed that this was just the way it would be for the rest of my life.  I’ve had wonderful friends over the years who have worked hard to bring me back to Jesus and remind of not only who I was, but who I belonged to.  I’ve clung to that hope, but realize now that I never truly embraced that truth, nor have I been able to truly forgive and let go.  For years, thorn after thorn has pierced my heart, causing oozing, gaping wounds.  Those kinds of wounds run deep and are often too hard to deal with, so we put temporary band-aids over them instead of mustering up the courage to face the pain, remove the thorn, clean out the wound and finally let it heal.  Sometimes I think my heart must look like an oozing porcupine covered in band-aids to God.  Yet, He has loved me and held me through it all.  I’ve always known that God was here.  He’s reached down to me countless times, urging me to let go of the pain and lay it down at the cross…. but somehow I felt it was mine alone to carry.  He’s blessed me all these years with people strategically placed along the way so that I’d never walk alone.  It hasn’t been until recently that I’ve been able to look back and truly see all the help He’s surrounded me with all along.  Why is it so hard for us to see sometimes?  God has also blessed me with friends who were willing to step out in faith to speak truth into my life.  Truth is NOT always easy to hear, but hear it we must if we ever hope to heal.  I’ve been hearing the same message over and over for a long, long time, but it has only been recently that that message has found its way into the depths of my heart.  The Enemy looks for ways to separate us from God, and un-forgiveness is one of his greatest tools.   He uses un-forgiveness to help those wounds fester and seep, causing our pain to be constant and unrelenting.  For a while, we may feel as if we’ve healed and let go, but it’s a lie. Because our wounds have never been tended to properly, the slightest hurt, ill word or uncomfortable situation just rips open a seeping band-aid.  An unforgiving heart is one that never heals.

For the last two years, I have been blessed with the most amazing best friend.  This friend has stuck with me through thick and thin.  She loves and encourages me through my deepest darkest days of depression and constantly reminds me just WHO it is I belong to!  She speaks hard truths, in the most gentle ways.  I’ve spent a few years now thinking I really HAD let my heart forgive, but these years have been a lie.  I had only forgiven on the surface… it was only lip service.  My mind had said it was time to let go, but my heart was telling a very different story.  She’s persisted with reminding me what forgiveness really looks like.  She has reminded me that un-forgiveness is not honoring to God in any way.  This summer I have begun to feel convicted like I’ve never felt before.  God has been calling me to repentance and forgiveness because He knows that I’ll never heal or be whole again if I continue to have an unforgiving heart.  The question my heart continues to ask is: “Can I ever expect to have Eternal security if I am not willing to be obedient to Christ in the forgiveness of others?”  If Jesus was willing to stand in the gap for me and take my sin upon Him so that I could have eternal life, what right do I have to not forgive?  Jesus says to forgive seventy times seven.  That’s a lot of forgiveness.  I think He included that story just for me.  Change absolutely needs to happen, and it has to begin with me.

It’s funny, that no matter how far I try to run from myself, and God, He just keeps surrounding me.  He’s good that way.  Not only has he blessed me with a friend who continues to speak truth into my heart, He also saw fit to bring some amazing new friends into my life this summer.  Military widows are a breed all their own.  It’s a sisterhood that none of us ever expected to be a part of, but at the same time, we’re so thankful for.  A couple weeks ago Rory and I had the blessing of attending a really neat College Experience created by TAPS.  We had never participated in a TAPS event, so we did not know what to expect.  I one thing I do know, I never expected to meet these amazing women that I truly believe will be life-long friends.  God spoke to me that week, and in the days since, through them.  He has been speaking truths to me that I never realized my heart so desperately needed to hear.  What were some of these truths?  IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!  Yep, I hadn’t realized that I had been holding onto that little nugget for ten years.  It took one sweet widow friend, looking me directly in the eye and saying: “You KNOW it’s NOT your fault, right?” In ten years, no one had ever spoken those words to me.  I believe God was in the fire that night, but I could never fully let go of the pain and guilt I felt, even though that guilt was never mine.  It’s funny how the Enemy so craftily uses our pain against us.   

Another sweet widow friend has gently been helping me to see that so much of my outward love for others is only on the surface.  I tend to see things through the lens of my own eyes instead of through the empathy of God’s.  He sees things so much differently than we do.  I had the opportunity to really reach out and serve someone yesterday and I turned away because all I could think about was how much it would complicate my own life instead of what God could do for her through me.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but my heart was later crushed with conviction.  I had to repent to Rory for my behavior because she wanted to give her a card with our number and I said no.  Later, all I could think about was how I’ve been wanting so badly to work in a field that would allow me to help others, and here God gave me the perfect opportunity to practice being His hands and feet and I walked away.  Please, God, forgive me for letting you down.  

I’ve been encouraged the past couple months to go back to school and earn my Master’s Degree.  I’ve lived in doubt for a while thinking I was just didn’t have it in me to go further in my education,  but God has literally provided the way.  I’ve learned that Fear is the biggest LIAR of them all!  I’ve let Fear have a home in my thoughts for a very long time.  What a fool I am.  I’ve let sadness and pain define me.  I’ve been a terrible example to my sweet girl on how to truly TRUST IN GOD, how to Forgive and how to Love others no matter what!  I’ve learned Fear also fuels the fear in others.  It will only be through my own trust and courage to move forward without fear that I can encourage my girl to do the same.

Rainy days are usually movie days at our house.  We watched Moana for probably the 20th time today, but it moved me in a way that I never would have thought possible.  As I watched one of the last scenes, I was struck down to my very soul.  It has reminded me of who I truly am, a child of the King.  NONE of this was ever meant to define me.  I chose to let it.  Adversity will come in life!  Pain,  tragedy, and loss can break us, or be used to make us stronger, to mold us into the people we were truly meant to be.  Near the end of the movie, Moana faces Te Fiti who’s heart was taken by Maui.  She sings: 

“I have crossed the horizon to find you

I know your name

They have stolen the heart from inside you

But this does not define you

This is not who you are

You know who you are.”

Te Fiti had lost her heart, it broke her in ways no one ever expected.  She spent years defined by what she had lost.  Moana had to remind her that this was not who she was, she was not defined by loss, deep down she knew who she was.  This is a pivotal truth that God has been trying to teach me for so long, but I’ve been too broken and stubborn to listen.  Watching this scene today changed my heart as I could hear God’s words echoing in her song.  God himself was singing these words over me:   “I would cross ANY distance to find you, I have ALWAYS known YOUR name, your heart may be broken, but this is NOT who you are, I KNOW who you are, YOU are MINE!  I am shaping those broken pieced into a beautiful new heart.  A mosaic of growth and healing of love and friendship, ever crack filled with my mercy and grace.”  Wow…. If we would only be Still and listen more often!  

Our greatest healing happens when we truly forgive.  Forgiveness doesn’t free the other person from the hurt they’ve caused you, but it does completely free YOU from the weight of the chains that bound you to that person and the pain they caused.  Without those chains, we are literally free to move forward without their weight.  That is a HUGE load lifted!!  Jesus says: “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you peace.”  I’ve read that verse countless times over the years.  I’ve recited it to friends to encourage them to lay their burdens down.  It’s funny, now that I think of it because I’ve spent the last ten years going back and picking up that same burden over and over again.  You’d think I would have learned by now, right??  I’m so thankful for a God who SEES me, Shakes His Head at me, yet SEEKS me anyway!  What a wonderful Father He is! 

So, where do I go from here?  I forgive, I let go and I begin to truly LIVE, for the first time in ten years.  I trust that God has a plan for this next season of my life and I just START!  Taking the first steps are key!  I will stop dragging my feet and Apply to Liberty for my Master’s program!  Finish my application and videos for VIPKIDS so I can have income to help Rory and I as we follow our new dreams!  I will trust in God’s perfect plan for us and His provision and providence over our lives in this next season.  God is good all the time.  He has proven this to us over and over.  It’s good to be here, in this moment, with a new heart.  Living in the past isn’t living.  Holding onto pain keeps you looking back and when you’re looking back, you miss out on all the great things that are right in front of you.  I cannot go back and change anything, but I CAN start right here and create a brand new end!! 

Here’s to my brand new end! 

What do YOU do when faced with a seemingly impossible task?

Change can be a funny thing.  Most people resist change, they prefer instead, the consistency of what they call normal.  I have always found myself asking: "What is "normal" anyway?" For me, normal has always consisted of sameness.  I have found that sameness can often breed laziness and often that is where you find depression.  With sameness, you never have anything new to look forward to, life becomes a drudge from day to day.

I believe one of God's gifts I'm so blessed to have is a Gypsy spirit.  What exactly is a Gypsy spirit you might ask?  My Russian Gypsy ancestors would say that it was a spirit to roam, to explore, to be willing to let home be not a place, but wherever you ARE.

 

For the last year or so, I've been praying about moving.  It has become a necessity to downsize and save money for the future.  Remember that "sameness" I spoke about.  Yep, I had become lazy.  I kept telling myself that I'd eventually sell the house... that I'd eventually get things organized, that I'd eventually purge my life of all the "stuff" I'd accumulated over all these years.  Lazy doesn't have a deadline.  I needed a deadline!  Boy did God give it to me, in a BIG way!

I had prayed often for God to lead me in the sale of my house.  I had asked that when the time came, he would just simply make it happen so that I'd KNOW it was Him and not me.  My desire was to be walking in His Will for us, and not just mine!  Ha!  Remember that saying: "Be careful what you wish for?" About 7 weeks ago while praying one night, I said: "God, I'm ready to just surrender it all to you. Whenever you think the time is right for us to make a change, just make it happen."  The VERY next day, my neighbor's daughter sent me a text saying that they'd like to buy our house if I was still interested in selling it!  The VERY NEXT DAY!  My house was NOT listed with a realtor, I had only mentioned to a few people that I had a desire to sell my house and downsize.  Now, here is the kicker, I figured we'd just move into a little house somewhere nearby and continue to live in our comfort zone, the place that we called home.  We attend the most Amazing church called Grace Fellowship in Florence, KY and we could NOT imagine EVER leaving our church family!  Wrong again... God had a much BIGGER plan!  Within just a few days, doors started opening for us to make a giant Leap of Faith to Florida!  What the.... What?? Florida??  Ok, so that's the short history behind the purpose of this blog post!

The past few weeks, I found myself in a frenzy!  I began to clean and downsize a tiny bit with the help of a few friends.  I've spend hours and hours looking at homes in Florida, we made a 10 hour, 6 day road trip to visit Grandma and Grandpa and other family, so we'd see them before we move, and started school!  Whew!  Without even realizing it, things got very complicated, really quick!

The first realtor I dealt with spent a lot of his time telling me that we'd never find a "decent" house within our budget.  That unless upped my budget by at least $20K, it would never happen.  I began to be a little discouraged, especially after he told me that I could have two 4 hour blocks of his time while we were down there to look at houses and I'd have to rent a car and meet him.  I have a childhood friend who used to live in the area, so she connected me with a new realtor.  She was very sweet, but has spent the last week telling me that I should make another trip down within 30 days of my closing date here because no one will accept a 60 day contract that is contingent upon the sale of another house. I began to believe them both!  I upped my budget and started looking at houses $20k more than I wanted to pay and started trying to figure out how on earth I could afford to make another trip down, still educate my daughter AND pack the house.  I hadn't slept in about 3 days.  I was up all night making lists, researching, FREAKING OUT!! 

This morning, it all STOPPED!! I finally realized what I had done!  I had spent the last several weeks doing everything in my OWN strength.  I had taken these little problems and made mountains out of them and had put MY BIG GOD in a box!!  Oh, will I ever learn!!  This morning I opened up my Bible and low and behold.... The answers were starting right back at me!

1) He led me to: 2 Corinthians 10:5 : We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE TO CHRIST!

(I HAD to stop letting the Enemy have access to my thoughts!! I had to remind myself of God's Promises, NOT the lies of the Enemy!!)

2) He led me to: Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path CLEAR!

(I was trying to do everything in my own strength... I KNOW better!  We can do NOTHING apart from Christ!  When I completely trust in him, He makes ALL thing CLEAR!)

3) He reminded me to Check Myself: Psalm 139:23-24  Search me, O God, and know my heart.  Try me and know my thoughts!  And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

(I had to check my attitude!  Everything I say and do, my reactions, my fretting... it's all seen by my daughter, by my neighbors and friends, both Christians and non-Christians alike.  What do I want them to see in me when I face difficult situations??)

4) He showed me in Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and petition with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God , which surpasses ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus!

(Anxiety and sleeplessness was consuming me because I was being DISOBEDIENT!! Instead of going first to God, I was leaning on my own selfishness and pity.  My Bible became my last resort instead of my FIRST RESOURCE!!)

Lastly, he brought me to Mark 6: 30-44 (The story of Jesus feeding the five thousand.)

When Jesus asked the Disciples to find food for all the people gathered,  they asked God in astonishment: "...should we go and spend a small fortune on bread?"  Basically, they panicked! (Like me)

What did I learn from this story??  When we come across a seemingly impossible task, it may simply be an opportunity for God to show his amazing GLORY!! 

How do YOU react when you are faced with a task that seems impossible?  A situation that seems impossible by human standards is simply an opportunity for God to shine!  His resources are of the SUPERnatural kind! 

The disciples did everything that was within their power to do, they gathered all available food and organized the people into groups.  Then they prayed!  In answer to PRAYER, God did the IMPOSSIBLE!! 

I realized that I had to adjust my Godgoggles!!  Change my Perspectacles and look at the situation from a new attitude!  When facing what seems like an impossible task, do all that is within your power to do, then ask God to do the rest!  He may see fit to make the Impossible happen!!

Tonight as I write these words, I KNOW in my heart the following things to be TRUE!!

1) We WILL find EXACTLY the house that God wants for us!  The house will be in EXACTLY the neighborhood He wants us to be in.  We will be near EXACTLY the Church/Body of Christ He wants us to be a part of!  

You see, I've seen this ALL before!  I don't know how I could have forgotten!  Eight years ago, we moved from my beloved Hawaii... I had NO IDEA what God was doing... (and I was a little mad at him for it!)  BUT GOD... He already KNEW the storm that lay ahead for us.  So He, in his great Grace and Mercy, sovereignly led us to EXACTLY where we needed to be to survive those storms!  Those storms have passed now... and He's made us stronger than we ever would have imagined.  We will be sad to leave our church and friends here... God so lovingly wove each one of them into the perfect Wooby that has wrapped us with their love and care over the years.... So we will carry you all with us always, no matter where we are, you will be too!  

So.... long story short: "How do YOU react when you are given a seemingly impossible task?"

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you;

be not dismayed, for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand!!

THAT'S HOW!!

Because God has a Plan!

Twelve years ago today, September 6^th, 2001, my sweet baby came violently into this world.  In those first precious moments we would both struggle for LIFE, we would both pull through, because God had a plan…

In her first week, we would be shaken to our core when on September 11^th, two planes would fly into the Twin Towers, and another into the pentagon.  Life for our American military family would change.  We would face 3 deployments in the years to come.  But God had a plan….

As she entered her second year of life, she struggled with illness and lost 98% of her hearing.  For the next year and a half she would live in silence. We would have to learn a new way of life… But God had a plan….

At two and a half God would bring a miracle into our lives.  A doctor that would be able to perform a special laser surgery that would restore sound to her life…. But for a little while… she would hear TOO much.  Sounds would be louder and voices more distracting, loud sounds would hurt and again, we learned a new way of life…. But God had a plan……

At four, my sweet girl would again face death, as a seemingly insignificant insect bite would infect her with Meningitis.  For six weeks we would endure fevers and seizures…. And I PRAYED…. He could have taken her, but God had a plan…..

In kindergarten, I began to see my sweet little girl struggling to learn.  I would also become aware of how amazingly gifted she was.  I would come to understand that good things often arrived in tandem with struggles.  Again, we would learn a new way of life.  We would have obstacle to face, but we would face them together….. because God had a plan….

Dyslexia, Dysgraphia and Developmental Delays were terms we became intimately acquainted with.  God would place just the right people into our lives at just the right time to help us on our road to learning.  These people would help enrich our hearts as well as our minds… and we would begin to thrive… because God had a plan…..

In her sixth year of life, she would again face death, but this time in the loss of her papa.  He was a great man of integrity who loved her and taught her many things.  Our hearts would break as we said goodbye. 

Also in that sixth year of life, the turmoil in our home would come to a breaking point.  Anger, violence and sadness began to plague our lives.  Just eight months after the loss of her papa, she would face another tragic loss, this time… her daddy.  Life, in a moment, had forever changed.  We began the slow process of putting our lives back together… but that would have to be put on hold when just four months later, our Nanny would be diagnosed with cancer and life would again change.  We spent the next seven months traveling to Chicago every other week for a week to ten days to help care for Nan.  We would “road-school” the rest of that year, as we spent our last days with my mom and best friend and her Nan whom we loved so very much. 

In the span of eighteen months, she would lose three of the most important people in her life…. But God had a plan…..

In this time of tragedy and loss, she learned how to serve, she learned who God was, she learned to put other’s needs before her own, she watched someone she loved be taken by cancer, she learned what grief looked like and felt like, she learned to trust in God’s sovereignty even in the most difficult of circumstances.

At nine, she would learn truths about the loss of her daddy that had been withheld because of her age.  She would experience anger this year.  She would feel abandoned and betrayed.  She would see her mama breaking apart.  We would both finally learn how to grieve, how to forgive and we would see God’s Grace abound in our lives.  We would start to experience healing, the kind of healing that ONLY God can bring.  Because God had a plan…..

We have spent the last 3 years healing, learning not only what Grace means, but also what it looks like.  We have NEVER WALKED ALONE!  We have had many ups and downs.  We have dealt with serious medical issues, and the FEAR that can come with them.  We have again walked alongside a young friend who has cancer… he’s still fighting, and we’re walking alongside her Auntie who also now has cancer…. We are trusting in God’s sovereignty… because God has a plan….

This year I’ve had the blessing of seeing my sweet girl giving her heart and her life to Jesus.  She’s come to know Him as He has been revealing Himself to her in ways she never imagines.  She is learning that she wants her Walk to talk LOUDER than her Talk talks, and I stand amazed… because God had a plan!

We have home schooled for almost 6 years now.  I have had many people say things like: “You’re sheltering her!” and “You’re not allowing her to experience “REAL” life!  To this, I say: “Whether you send your child to public school, private school, or choose to home school, God is ultimately in control.  Everything that comes into our lives is Father filtered.  Every up, every down, every circumstance, every loss, every moment of suffering is brought into our lives to mold us into the people He created us to be.  So if it is an experience that He feels is necessary for her to become the woman of God that He created her to be, whether she’s home schooled or public schooled, it is going to come her way, period!”

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

I can stand today and say that I have literally seen the evidence of Jeremiah 29:11-13, pure and simply, in the fingerprints of God all over her life.

From the moment I prayed and asked God for her by name, to her first breath, and every moment of every day that I’ve shared with her, there is one thing I know, she belongs to Him.  I thank God for EVERY moment that He blesses me with.  She is a joy to my heart and a blessing to my soul.  This job of motherhood… it is hard, but it’s the highest calling God has ever given me, and I pray that I will be worthy of this calling, and continue to shepherd her well.   Thank you Lord Jesus for this amazing life you’ve blessed me with, for 12 years of love and laughter, sorrow and pain, as they have shaped us, molded us and will continue to refine us.  Because you have a plan!

Breaking FREE of FEAR!

I have found over time, that suffering is a part of this life we live.  This suffering takes MANY forms... from personal illness, illnesses of those we love, storms that destroy, marriages torn apart, persecution for your beliefs....Since the fall in the Garden of Eden, suffering became real to us in our everyday lives.  

The "WORLD" would tell you that God does not want you to suffer... that you can have your "Best Life NOW"... it is only for those who don't know Christ that this "Life" here on earth will ever be "Your Best Life Now", because for those in Christ... this is NOT our BEST LIFE... this World does NOT hold our HOPE... it is the ETERNAL KINGDOM OF HEAVEN that sets us apart and gives us HOPE!  

It's when we accept the suffering and look to God for comfort while we're there and trust Him for the endurance to run the race that we find true PEACE.  Philippians 4:7 says: "Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything you can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Everyday trials of the past few months have kept me in my knees for God's Provision.  Most people would say they don't want to "rely" on anyone... but oh the Peace and Comfort you can find when you surrender it all and rely solely on God.  In Matthew 11:28-30 says: "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my buren is light."

Each month unexpected financial burdens would crop up... bring with them the fear that if I tithed... I might not have enough to cover all the costs... but I was reminded of Malachi 3:7b "Return to me, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts." then says later in Malachi 3:10 "Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.  And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need."  Each and ever month.. there has been enough... ever need has been met, without exception.

After receiving very trying news this week... again, as usual, my flesh was tempted to go back to it's old ways and cling to FEAR!  Oh, how our flesh clings to the lies of the Enemy!  Last night when I was feeling most troubled, weak an broken, a friend posted a short lyric from Natalie Grant... what an amazing reminder of what I needed to do:

"I will stumble, I will fall down

But I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,

But I will not be moved

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand... 

I will NOT be moved!

I decided this morning, to do the one place I KNEW I could find TRUTH... God's Word.  I decided to lay the fear down at the foot of the cross and confidently approach the Throne of Heaven and see what my God had to say..... WOW.... is all I can say!  His Faithfulness NEVER ceases to amaze me!

I found myself in Psalms... which is often the place I go for comfort when my heart feels heavy and my spirit feels tempted to listen to the Enemy.... Here, today, God brought me right to Psalm 138:7-8

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the 

wrath of my enemies,

and your right hand delivers me.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

Do not forsake the work of your hands."

Psalm 139:10 then reminded me: "even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me."

When we are IN HIM, we are never APART from Him.  It it only in the moments that we separate ourselves from God, that we feel His absence from our lives.  He NEVER LEAVES US, or FORSAKES us... if we are feeling separated from God... it was NOT Him that moved... it was US!

So today, I will return to how I know best to "Walk in Him".... I will pray through scripture and let God speak to me!  I will pray Psalm 139: 23-24 in my heart, in my thoughts and in my spirit....
"Search me, O God and know my heart!

     Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me

     and lead me in the way everlasting!"

It is our own thoughts that separate us from God.  When you surrender them to God... 2 Corinthians 10:5 "We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ."  

In the moments when we need Spiritual Strength the most, God gives us everything we need in His Word... The Truth is the Truth, and it's hasn't changed since the beginning of time... if you're needing strength today... open up the Word of God... and read: Ephesians 3:14-21

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named.  that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen!"

So now, I will leave you with one of my favorite verses embellished a bit with The Message version:

Proverbs 3:5-12

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.  Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go, he's the one who will keep you on track.  Don't assume that you know it all.  Run to God!  Run from evil!  Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!  Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.  Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over.  But don't, dear friends, resent God's discipline; 

don't sulk under his loving correction.  It's the child he loves that GOD corrects; a father's delight is behind all this."

Seek Him today ... it is in Him that you will find Comfort, Peace and most importantly... HOPE... 

The only thing STRONGER than fear...... HOPE!

Suffering Well

This week I was asked to write down some of the things I have learned through Counseling & Discipleship the past 6 months… although I have learned and grown far more than what I’ve written… these are the things I have fresh on my mind this week.  I’ll continue to ponder, write and share more as God inspires me to!  I pray God will bless you with these words as He has me!

2 Corinthians 4:7-9

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, BUT NOT crushed; perplexed, BUT NOT in despair; persecuted, BUT NOT abandoned; struck down, BUT NOT destroyed. (emphasis added)

How has God shown His excellent Power through me?

1) His strength has been made perfect in my weakness.

2) He has shown me that I'm a work in progress, and that I can see Him most clearly defined when I'm in my deepest valleys.

3) He's taught me to rely on Him FIRST... Which for me has been a big lesson.  in the past when I was faced with difficulties or serious decisions to make, I would talk about it to everyone.  Now, I am "still" before Him FIRST, pray, wait, pray some more, then seek wise counsel in or or two for confirmation.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Blessed be the God and Farther of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our afflictions, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

It is through the suffering that God has been growing me and will ond day be able to use me to comfort others who have suffered in similar ways.

Learning to Suffer Well.... now THAT has been an interesting journey.

I'll start by what I've learned I am NOT:

1) I am NOT self-sufficient

2) I am NOT self-sustaining

3) I am NOT Independent

4) I am NOT autonomous

As long as I believe myself to be these things, the farther I separate myself from God.  ONLY GOD IS ALL THOSE THINGS!

Luke 12:28-31

But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow it thrown into the over, how much more will he clothe you.  O you of little faith!  And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried.  For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them.  Instead, seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

I've learned that God is the ultimate source of provision for all things.  God provides for everyone and everything.  I not longer let myself sit and worry about tomorrow... Tomorrow will take care of itself.  I don't "got it", But God DOES!  God has shown me that worry produces NOTHING & accomplishes NOTHING!

Philippians 1:6

And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

I think most of all, I've learned that God is all around me, inside of me.  If I listen, there's a still small voice of truth, leading me, talking to me, and telling me that I can SEE God's face, FEEL His presence and TRUST in His love... (See, Feel, Trust)  Three little words... my new best friends!

Life is about faith, relationships, character and integrity.  God has a purpose and calling for me that goes far beyond the circumstances of life that surround me at times.  These truths are slowly becoming my new heartbeat, the foundation of my future life.  

I have learned that my value, purpose, true identity and self worth come from one and only one source: GOD!

Micah 6:8

He has shown you, O man, what is good:

And what does the Lord require of you, But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?

Pastor Brad said it so perfectly in his sermon yesterday:

"You stop trying to be so strong- and you learn to embrace weakness and uncertainty,   KNOWING that's when Jesus gets put on display most fully in your life!"

https://www.graceky.org/index.php?  option=com_preachit&tmpl=component&id=366&view=videopopup  

Yes, I have been Hard Pressed on every side, BUT NOT crushed

I've been Perplexed, BUT NOT in despair or without Hope

I've been Persecuted, BUT NOT forsaken or abandoned by my God

I've been Struck Down, BUT NOT destroyed!

God NEVER lets me walk alone... I just lost sight of Who He is and who I am IN HIM!

Sometimes the only way OUT... is THROUGH... and He's leading me every step of the way!

Something New

I've said for years that I wanted to start writing again... it's funny how time seems to allude us!  Life has a way of taking us for a ride. My ride has been filled with ups and downs, twists and turns and plunges that seemed to never end.  The greatest blessing in it all has been the FAITH that the light at the end of the tunnel is never completely out of reach.


The last 4 years have been filled with tragedy and loss, but in the midst of the darkness there have been sweet moments of victory and joy, grace and mercy and much growth.  I have come to believe that it is in our darkest valleys that we grow the most.  It's in those moments alone in the dark that God's light shines brightest.  It is those times that we see God clearly, where we learn to be Still and Listen.  


A new friend asked if I had a Blog where I shared my testimony and the story of our lives.  I guess I have not created a blog before now because I thought I didn't have much to share.  Now I can see, through God's Grace, that I was wrong.  
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 says:
³  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴  who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.


As Christians, we can expect to suffer as Christ did, but also.. as Christians we are never without Hope.  God is with us through it all.  As I have come through to the other side of suffering, I can see now that He used all the circumstances we have endured not only to strengthen us, but also to give Hope and Strength to others who are in the midst of their own storms.


The greatest lesson I've learned can be summed in a passage that has come to mean much to me:
2 Corinthians 4:7-9
⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. ⁸ We areafflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.


Our circumstances do not define who we are, our Heart does!  I take joy in the trials we have come through because without them, I would not have come to know my Savior with such intimacy, now would I have come to truly trust and rely on Him for all things.  He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me!  I couldn't always see Him while I was standing in the middle of the storm, but I can look back now and see the Fingerprints of God all over our lives.  He never once let us walk alone!


So as this first post comes to an end.... I pray that there will be someone out there that finds hope in these words and will come along with me on this new journey.... as I share "The story of us" just 4u!


"Until the Whole World Hears......"
~Heather